"Were you trying?"

My Spanish class my first semester at BYU was a very close group; we were a small group, and in small groups--as in small towns--your business is everyone else's business...

Anyway, one of the girls in the class got pregnant during the semester and it happened to come up in several conversations. Another girl asked her: "So, were you guys, like, trying?" and the pregnant girl's response was: "well, my husband and I like sex and we have a lot of it, so... it happens" (she was a very blunt person).  

The girl who asked was, of course, a cute, single BYU student whose parents probably never even mentioned the word "sex" to her and she was shocked and terribly offended. She just could not believe that some one would say something so vulgar. 

At the time I guess thought it was a bit of an odd response, but I didn't dwell on the situation much.

I remembered this story because recently one of my sisters said to me "when are you guys going to have a baby???" and I said, "we're working on it!" and my OTHER sister said, "EEEEWWW! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT!!". I thought it was terribly funny that my 15 year old sister was so grossed out by me simply saying that we were "working on it", but it also made me realize how personal questions like that are.

Back to the girl in my Spanish class...

When she asked "were you trying?", that was actually an incredibly personal question. It's almost like saying "so did you guys use a condom last time you had sex, or what?" or, "were you and your spouse having unprotected sex on a regular basis?"

Now, I'm sure most people don't mean it that way or even realize what they're asking, they're just curious and making small talk about the "joyous news". I also think it could be an appropriate question, depending on your relationship with the person being questioned.

I could be totally wrong about this, but I just think you need to know what you're asking... And maybe NOT ask the question unless you can handle the answer ;)

Nutrition Kitchen

If you want some good recipe ideas for healthy food, check out my new blog!  It's actually a project that my mother-in-law and I (well, hopefully more me when finals are finally over) are working on.  The idea is that we are trying to post one healthy meal per week with pictures and a recipe.  It's really cool!  Check it out!

http://smithskitchen.blogspot.com/

My cell phone - it's a gift and a curse.

 

I cannot imagine living without a cell phone. There are so many times when I'm at school or at the store (or let's face it, even driving) when a thought pops into my head and I need to tell someone immediately. If I don't have my cell phone within reach and I can't send out a text right that second, I've got to admit I feel almost a sense of anxiety. My cell phone is basically an extension of my being at this point. However, despite being so immediately connected to every contact in my phone, I've been feeling very disconnected from the people closest to me lately. So far I've managed to narrow down my cell phone issues to three areas:

1. For Karl's job he has to use his phone A LOT; he is a manager and everyone from his employees to his boss need him to be available basically every moment of every day. The texting thing really didn't seem like that big of a problem until Karl got this job. I see his phone about fifty times a day, people expect him to respond immediately so he texts a lot! And this is when he's at home! Because of the wonderful invention of cell phones, my husband has to be working even when he's not working! There is no way for him to ever really be away from his job because someone always needs something and they know he's just a text away!

2. I feel awfully guilty about this second one, and I want to apologize to anyone I've done this to. I admit that I have texted too much while I'm with friends. Whether I was out to lunch with a friend, or hanging out or playing games with friends, I admit that I am guilty of texting while I should have been "present". I've done this, and I've had friends who have done this to me. I've been around people who were checking twitter and facebook and texts in the middle of a conversation with me. It made me feel like I wasn't important, like my friends would rather be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. Not a very good feeling, and I'm sorry to say that I have been on that end of things.

3. If you know me, you know that I love my sleep, and you also know that it's very difficult for me to get my sleep. Now, I know people on many different sleep schedules and in many different time zones, and as a result of this, I've found that my sleep gets interrupted a lot by people who want to talk to me a random times. I love hearing from almost everyone who texts/calls me (by that I mean I hate getting promotional texts and calls from computers), but I really need to be able to sleep! Back before cell phones would a normal person have considered calling someone's house at 3 in the morning? I'm going to say probably not, but now that we have cell phones the rules seem to have changed drastically.

All right, the point is, I suppose, that I'm grateful for the technology that allows me to be connected to so many people that I care about, but I need to set some limits so that I can live in harmony with my cell phone :) So, I am making it a goal to not text while I should be "present" with friends/family (if you see me texting you have permission to gently remind me of my goal, haha). Secondly, I'm going to be going "technology-free" between the hours of 11pm and 11am (i.e. my phone will be off). Because of this new plan I may not respond to people very quickly, but I don't want to feel guilty about this! Anyway, that's the deal, this is the plan, and we'll see how this goes!

How NOT to Expect to be Expecting

As my mother very wisely taught me at a young age: Life sucks. And then you die. I'm actually not quite that pessimistic (and neither is my mom), but that saying just sums up my feelings today. I don't mean to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad, which is why I haven't really talked about this before, but I'm going crazy and I feel like I need to get it out there.

It's so hard living in a community where so many people are having babies and not being able to have one yourself. I've wanted a baby since we first got married two years, five months, 3 weeks, and one day ago. I've been hoping and praying to be able to get pregnant for a long time, and I feel kind of like a failure. It's so hard to congratulate friend after friend after friend, see the happy statuses on facebook, and see the pictures of ultrasounds and newborns all over the place. I have 37 friends on facebook that are around my age, got married either around the time I did or more recently, and have had at least one baby at this point (many are starting to announce the second round of baby making). There are about a dozen more that I'm just waiting for.

Anyway, yesterday I got another negative result on a pregnancy test and today I just feel like I can't handle things anymore. So, yeah, if I don't seem that excited about life, I'm sorry, I'm trying, but I'm having a hard time right now. If you recently got pregnant I am excited for you, although I may not be showing it very well, I promise I am excited and happy for you.


In other news, I've decided that I need to discover the secret to patiently waiting for a baby to come. When I find it I'm going to write a book and it's going to look something like this:

I'm sure there's some kind of copyright infringement here, but I'm not in the mood to care

Pancakes

Just have to say how awesome my hubby is :) This morning he had to get up early to pick up Christer from work, and instead of coming home and just crawling back into bed and sleeping til he had to get up for his shift, he stayed up and made me pancakes for breakfast. The cutest part about it was that he had to wait two hours for me to finally wake up, and he did so rather patiently :) He knows that the one thing in the world I love almost as much as I love him is my sleep, haha.

I'm happy that he worked so hard to make my day a good one, I really needed it. It's been a little rough lately. My health is not making things very easy in any aspect of my life or his. I'm feeling fat, tired, unmotivated to do anything (not good during a school semester), and crazy. There's so much I want to say, but so many things that are going on right now are either private or sensitive and it's driving me crazy! Anyway, I'm just grateful for pancakes tonight.

Bloody...

 

Yeah, I mean bloody quite literally, lol.  So my day today... I went to get my blood drawn by myself since Karl was working. Now, I've been getting my blood drawn on a fairly regular basis since I was 10 years old, so this was not a big deal for me, but it turned out to be more of an adventure than I planned.  I got my poke, filled my vials of blood, got taped up and the guy ushered me out the door.  I had to carry my jacket, my purse, and a book AND I was all by myself, so I couldn't keep pressure on my "wound", but I THOUGHT it was done bleeding so I went on my merry way.  When I got out to the car I realized I was bleeding all over and my puncture site was still like spurting :/ I was a little freaked out and thought about going back in to the clinic, but I felt dumb being all bloody and it was awkward because my hands were full and covered in blood.  So instead I just took pictures and sent them to Karl to freak him out too, haha.  It did stop pretty soon after I realized it, so it really wasn't a big deal, just messy.  I did get a pretty good reaction out of Karl though ;P

Pictures of the Past

"Aww. Check it out. Who would've thought, that this little baby would be marrying that little baby."

Just found these pictures recently and decided to play with them... Then I thought it was cute and I needed to share them with somebody ;)

Happy Halloween?

 

What is it about Halloween that makes it okay for women to dress like strippers?  What is it that makes it okay for guys to encourage women to dress like sluts one day a year?   

Honestly, you go into any Halloween costume store and the women's costumes all say things like “sexy nurse”, or “sexy pirate wench”.  Even if “sexy” isn’t in the title, the miniskirts, sleeveless-ness, and cleavage should clue you in to the idea behind the costume.  I mean a lot of these “costumes” look like they should be worn briefly by a stripper to make money, or maybe in some kind of bedroom fantasy/roleplay.  The male costumes are all, for the most part, modest.  It seems that guys don’t have to have their bodies on display in order to have a great costume. 

Depending on who you are and where you go on Halloween, you may never see anyone wearing one of these costumes, but I’m very worried about what this says about our society!  Are we teaching our girls that the only way they can get attention is if they take off their clothes?  Hemlines seem to be getting shorter and shorter in girls’ clothing, and more and more “good girls” are giving in to the style.  I don’t think that my worth should be based solely on my sexuality, and I don’t want my sisters or my daughters to have to be subjected to this kind of indoctrination.  I feel that with all of the knowledge and education we have (we are a civilized society, right?) this kind of thing should not be a problem.  Not only is it a problem, but it's a problem accepted by the general public as a norm!  Anyway... I'll stop ranting now, but check out this video, it definitely brings up a few things to think about.  
(this is the older version, I can't find the newest one, but it's still applicable)

The difference between boys and girls...

My women's health teacher read us this story in class today and I thought it was funny, so I decided to share :D The Story of Roger and Elaine By Dave Barry Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... . "'Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....'' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger.  ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car. But he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

Blogger Blabber

Okay, time to get on my soap-box… Well, I don’t actually have a soap-box that can support my weight (where do people get those?? What kind of soap do these people buy??), so I’ll just have to stand here and tell y’all about what’s bothering me. 

Now, I guess I don’t really count as a true “blogger” since I update my blog about once a month, and maybe I don’t quite understand the issues. However, I’ve been reading some peoples' blogs and there is something that is really bothering me. The number one biggest thing that I have a problem with is people sharing intimate details about problems or things in their relationship with their “significant other” on a blog that half the world can read. Since I’ve been married I’ve realized that there are certain things that you and your aforementioned significant other should keep private. Now, I’m not talking about just married people or just about sex here, I mean other things too!

If you are having problems in your relationship you should talk about it with each other, everyone else does not need to know about what's going on with you two. He/she deserves more respect than that. No matter what the problems are that you are having, he/she still deserves better than that. I didn’t realize what a big deal this is until I got married and was suddenly in a mature relationship. I wish people would think more about the things they say and to whom they say them. Words are powerful and what you say about someone will affect the way others see that person, possibly for a very, very long time. This is definitely one I’ve had to learn the hard way. Blogs are awesome, and sharing feelings and experiences is great, I just want people to be so careful!

I realize that I’m preaching to the choir here, but I just had to get that out there… 

*NOTE:  I should add that if you are in a emotionally/physically/etc. abusive relationship, definitely tell someone!  You probably still don't need to put it on your blog, but still, tell someone you trust so they can help you!!

My Favorite Thing

          If you know me very well at all (and I'm assuming you do if you happen to be reading this), then you know that I am incredibly indecisive!  Growing up I never had "favorites", which can be a real pain because part social etiquette when you are a kid includes sharing your favorite color, food, etc.  Being a little girl I liked pink, but pink wasn't my favorite color. I liked several shades of pink and also blues and purples.  Anyway, that's pretty irrelevant, but it's late and I tend to ramble when I get tired.  The point I am trying to make is that I have discovered a "favorite"!  As stupid as this may sound, it's a huge deal for me!!

          My favorite season is Fall.  I can now say that with out any indecision or uncertainty. I love it when it gets cool, but the sun is still there and it's not too cold.  I love the way the air smells. I love wearing a sweater and feeling perfect.  There's just something about it that makes me feel all good inside.  

          In the last few weeks there has been a definite "Fall" feeling in the air, and so I've been thinking about this kind of a lot.  My theory is that it's because it was fall when I first met Karl.  It was my first semester of college, my first time living away from home, and he was my first "real" boyfriend.  Everything was so exciting and new.  When the weather starts to get cooler and the leaves start to change colors, I start feeling all that old excitement.  It's like the season brings back a ton of memories.  Now if I could just get Winter to stay out of things until maybe December.... Haha

          Anyway, Fall also means school and I'm ACTUALLY supposed to be writing a paper right now, so I'd best get back to it.  Just thought I'd share my "ah-ha" moment ;)

Business as Usual, or Not…

I’m not going to be able to be on the ballroom team or take any dance classes this Fall. I actually may not be doing ballroom seriously ever again, which makes me sad, but I’m getting too tired and too busy to keep up with it all! It’s hard trying to do ballroom AND get a separate degree AND have church callings AND take care of a house/husband; frankly I have a hard enough time just doing one of those at a time! So I’ve been feeling a little bummed about that, dance has been a huge part of my life after all, but I think I’ve come up with a solution! I’m trying to start my own dance costume rental business! I’m not very business-ly minded, so I’m a little anxious about it, but I’m also super excited! I feel like this is a way for me to keep in touch with the ballroom world (yes, the ballroom world is different from the real world, haha), but at my own pace and on my own time. 

My business is called Sofi’s Costume Closet. Ballroom dresses are so danged expensive that most college students can’t afford to have a nice dress when they want to start competing. I have a ton of costumes that I’ve collected over the years and I’d love to help people out and maybe get something out of all those dresses I have hanging around! When I was dancing I looked for a place to rent a dress and everything I found was either still too expensive, or hard to find/hard to understand. So I’m hoping that this is something that works out! If anyone has any ideas for me I’d love to hear about it!

Oh, and as a side note, lots of people wonder about the name Sofi so I guess I’ll explain it here, and you guys can spread the word ;) One of my dear friends from high school made up Sofi as a nickname for me, which never really caught on, but I like the idea. It’s the first two letters of my first name and the first two letters of my maiden name (SO corro FI elds), so now you know! I used it because Socorro is not a very user friendly name ;) Anyway, check out my website, “like” me on facebook, and recommend me to anyone you think could use a costume!! I could really use the support! 

Sofi's Costume Closet

Facebook Profile - Sofi's Costume Closet 

We've Made it Two Years!!

FOUR whole years together, TWO whole years of marriage :)

On this the second anniversary of my marriage to the love of my life, I feel I must share a story. I’m a little ashamed that I haven’t written this down sooner because the memory isn’t as clear as it once was (Karl you’ll have to correct me on some of the details). Anyway, this story takes place after Karl and I had been dating for awhile. One night as he was dropping me off at my dorm after what, I’m sure, was a very romantic date, Karl suddenly got all bashful and shy. He pulled me in close to him so that his arms were around my waist, stared deeply into my eyes (ok, maybe his eyes were staring past me as he tried to muster the courage) and said, “you know how some people say ‘I love you!’ all the time to just anyone?” I nodded (here I am thinking that he’s going to say something goofy) and he continued, “Well, I don’t do that, because to me saying ‘I love you’ is something really special and important; it means something… and… I think… I love you.” It was the cutest thing I had ever heard. I loved him and he loved me. Three months after we started dating I knew without a doubt that one way or another I had to be with him for the rest of eternity. Now, we may have chosen “another” instead of “one way”, but he is my eternal companion and I have never regretted marrying him. I feel like I will never be able to express my feelings of gratitude and joy that he found me, that he chose me, and that he is still choosing to stick with me. I love him more than anything in the world, and I just pray that someday I’ll be able to be the wife he deserves.

Happy Anniversary Muffcake!!

Sleep!!

Just as a kind of follow up to my last post, I found these tips (fibroblog.org) for getting better sleep and thought I'd share :)  

Get a Better Night’s Sleep

• Maintain a bedtime routine.  Try to go to bed the same time each night and get out of bed at the same time each morning, conditioning your brain to know when it’s time to sleep.
• Don’t sleep excessively during the day. Naps should be less than half an hour long, so you don’t have enough time to enter REM-stage sleep. If you nap too long and do enter this stage of sleep, you may have trouble falling asleep at night.
• Check your diet. Eliminating certain foods may help improve your sleep. Don’t forget to consider what you’re drinking. Remember that caffeine stays in your system six to eight hours after you consume it, and it does fragment sleep.
• Don’t use alcohol for help falling asleep. As the alcohol is absorbed into the system, the body goes through a mini-withdrawal that fragments and destroys the second half of sleep.
• Eliminate stimulants, including tobacco.
• Turn down the lights. Excessive light exposure in the evenings may prevent your body from releasing the melatonin that makes you feel sleepy. Light exposure not only refers to lamps and other lighting, but also to television and computer screens. And, if you need to get out of bed during the night, try not to turn the lights on–you may inadvertently fool your brain into thinking it’s daybreak, and time to wake up.
• A warm bath will help you relax–and cooling down afterward will help prepare your body for the induction of sleep. Be sure to wait at least an hour after your bath to go to bed, so your body temperature has a chance to go down.
• Arrange your bedding surface so it offers you the most comfort, especially if pain tends to keep you awake.
• If you’re having trouble sleeping, get out of bed–but don’t immerse yourself in an activity that requires a lot of concentration. Go to another room (be sure it’s not brightly lit) and listen to some music or do another relaxing activity. When you start to feel sleepy, head back to bed.

He Holds my Hand in his Sleep :)

--> -->

Hello, my name is Socorro and I am an insomniac. It’s been about four weeks since I last got a good night’s sleep. I spend most nights tossing and turning. I can go to my bed completely exhausted and still not fall asleep for hours (and then, generally, wake up on time the next morning). My dearest-darling-beloved husband, on the other hand, lies down for five minutes and he’s out cold (even if I’m trying to have an engaging conversation with him about feelings). Because of this wonderful arrangement, I’ve had a lot of chances to observe my hubby as he sleeps, and I’ve come to the conclusion that he is incredibly cute! I know he probably doesn’t want me to share how unbelievably cute he is with everyone in the whole world, and he will probably hate me when he finds out which picture I used to go along with this post, but I’m hoping he’ll forgive me because I can’t keep it to myself :)

A few nights ago as I was (of course) struggling to find dream land, I observed an interesting phenomenon. Karl had fallen asleep with his arm around me, which was very sweet, but I since I’d been lying there awake for two hours I eventually had to go to the bathroom. I tried to slowly sneak out from under his arm so I wouldn’t wake him, but this proved to be problematic because every time I tried to move away from him and towards the edge of the bed, he pulled me back in! I thought maybe he was just pretending to be asleep and giving me grief (as he seems to find so humorous in his waking moments), but he was definitely VERY asleep. Eventually I had to lift up his arm, move it and then run to the bathroom.

When I came back from the bathroom I and snuggled back up to him I put my hand on top of his, and he held my hand! And when I squeezed his hand he squeezed mine right back. I thought for sure he must have been half awake, so I decided that I’d have to try it out again (you know, scientific procedure and all) and he does it pretty much every time! I asked him about it, and he had no idea that he does it, or about the experiments I was doing on him in his sleep... haha... Anyway, I love my hubby a ton and a half, and I'm glad that he loves me so much that he is even affectionate in his sleep :)

The Parable of the Mountain Bike...

So, I haven’t been on a bike of any sort in many, many years. I believe the last time I had such an experience was with an ill-fitting bike my dad had fixed up out of our garage. I rode to the park, around the track, and back home. My Ischial tuberosities (“butt bones” in layman’s terms) were so bruised and sore for days after that I swore then and there never to get on another bike again. 

Now here I am.

Believe it or not, I, Socorro Smith, have just completed my first mountain biking experience. Crazy, I know, but it’s true! So, this isn’t really a parable, but I had some thoughts as I was hurtling down rocky hills at speeds I was very uncomfortable with, and thought I ought to share :) I will admit I was very anxious about this trip down to Moab, and frankly, I was looking for any reasonable excuse to get out of it. Unfortunately, I love my hubby too much and I didn’t want to disappoint him or be separated from him for four days. So I went, determined to try it out and to try to have the best experience possible. 

When we got to Moab one of the first things we did after setting up camp was pick up the bikes from the rental place and give them a test drive around the parking lot. I realized at this point that my fear of heights includes being a couple feet off the ground and moving any faster than walking speed. I also realized how very out of practice I was with the whole “bike thing”. I was told that we would start with an “easy” trail, but when I considered the fact that I felt so shaky riding in the parking lot, it wasn’t much comfort. 

The next morning (7 a.m.-ish) we arrived at the top of the "mountain" we were to bike down.  I strapped on my helmet, jumped on my bike, and off we went.

As the trail started slope more and more and began to get more and more rocky, I got more and more tense.  For the first hour or so the trail was fairly regular except for these little fist-sized rocks that were strewn all over the path.  From my limited (and painful) experience with my bike as a child, I knew that if I hit one of those little rocks my bike would go skidding out of control and I'd fall and get hurt.  So I spent the first hour or so with my eyes focused on the path directly in front of me, watching for those little rocks and trying desperately to avoid them.  Eventually the path was so rock filled that I couldn't avoid hitting them anymore.  And I didn't fall.  I realized at that point that I was riding on a very nice mountain bike with some awesome suspension that was built to handle those rocks (yes, that IS why it's called a mountain bike), and not the kind of cheap-o kid's bike that falls over when you try and get up on to the curb.  With this reassurance I started looking around and realized that for that hour of focusing on the path, I'd been missing all the wildflowers along the path and the amazing scenery that Southern Utah has to offer.  I started to enjoy myself a little more at this point and take in everything I'd been missing out on.

It was a short lived relief, however, because at this point the big rocks started coming at me.  The path itself began transforming from a dirt road with some little rocks on it, into a road made up almost entirely of big lumpy rocks.  It was a very bumpy ride.  I was afraid (once again) that I would fall down if went very quickly over these big rocks on this slopping trail, and at times I felt as if I would fly straight over my handle bars. So I slowed down and kept squeezing my breaks to the point that my wrists and my hands were cramping and getting tired.  I finally just had to let go a little bit and go faster than I was comfortable.  Guess what, once again, I didn't fall.  I had to pay more attention and work to control my bike, and it was a little stressful, but also a little exhilarating to go down those rocks on my bike that was built to handle them.  

I did eventually fall down on this particular trail, but it wasn't exactly where I expected.  I was getting pretty confident and going pretty quickly over the bumps and jumps in the trail when I got to the steepest hill I'd come to yet.  I started down the hill and realized a little too late that I should have slowed down more before I got there.  The trail down the hill looked smooth enough, with just a few big rocks scattered through out the trail, but as I tried to break and slow myself down I realized there was an element I hadn't considered.  The patches on the hill that looked smooth were actually deep patches of loose sand.  As I tried to break, my bike hit the sand and my bike wobbled and I went tumbling over and had to jump off my bike.  I fell on some of the rocks in the path and bruised  my hip and legs, and then my bike fell on top of me and cut up my poor legs.

Luckily, at this point I was getting over my fears enough that the fall didn't totally put me off biking, but the next hill almost did.  The last test of my poor struggling will was the last couple of miles of trail.  I was getting tired, so even just riding along the level portions of trail was getting to be too much for me to handle, but the trail seemed to be sloping up more and more often.  Eventually the trail was mostly just hills going up and up and up.  I had to get off my bike and rest every few minutes because my legs and lungs were threatening to revolt. Luckily my dearest Karl was willing to walk with me when I couldn't make it up the hills, and rest with me when I couldn't walk any farther.  After another two miles or so of this (and of thinking I was just going to fall down and die) we eventually made it back the parking lot where we left the cars.

So, the moral of this story...

1. In life (as in mountain biking)  I tend to stress over little problems and focus so much on the little day-to-day things that I miss the "wildflowers" in my life that I'm passing by.  I had a lot of painful experiences in my past and I've let them make me overly cautious and overly prepared for things that most of the time never even end up happening. I am built to handle the little things, and I am much more capable of handling problems now than I was when I was younger.  Caution is good, but I can't let fear control my life.

2. Big problems and major changes in life are stressful and always will be, but they can also be exciting and exhilarating if I can let myself  "go with the flow" more and not try to control everything so tightly (I definitely have some control issues).

3. The times I need to be most cautious are the times when everything in my life looks "smooth".  I tend to get complacent when things seem to be easy, and that's when I'm most likely to"fall down and get hurt".

4. Sometimes it's ok to walk, and sometimes it's ok to take a rest. I know that I will always have my dearest companion right by my side.  I know he's willing to stick with me for better or worse and that he will be right there beside me no matter what.  I love him so much I can't even begin to express the way I feel about him.  I'm so incredibly grateful that I found him and that he chose me.

5.  I still hate bikes.

Decisions, decisions, decisions…

You know, I thought that by this point in my life things would be a little bit more concrete and I’d know where I was going... Haha, how silly of me! You know, in high school my counselors AND my parents AND my teachers were always bugging me about what I wanted to do when I “grew up”. I went to career fairs and took classes and workshops to help me decide what I wanted to do, and I decided; I wanted to be a nurse. I took medical anatomy and physiology my junior year of high school, and I loved it! I love to help people and I’m very interested in health care. I spent a lot of time in a doctor’s office as a child and so I saw a lot of nurses, and I decided that this was what I wanted to do. So I’ve spent the last four-ish years struggling towards my dream career. My whole entire college career has been one of extreme stress and anxiety as I’ve taken some of the hardest classes at the university, knowing that I HAD to get extremely good grades in order to even be competitive in my application to the program. I’ve taken chemistry four times now, a subject that I ABSOLUTELY abhor. I mean, classes like microbiology and anatomy were hard, but at least I enjoyed the subject, chemistry has no redeeming qualities in my eyes. Anyway, after fall semester this last year (I took micro, chem, and math 1050!) I was burnt out from all the stress and felt like I was STILL a million miles away from getting into the program, so I quit. I’ve given up on nursing, which actually was a hard decision to make, and I’m still having second thoughts. I mean, while everyone else was struggling to figure out what they were doing with life, I had a plan, and for the past five years I’ve had that goal to guide me. Then suddenly I had no direction! It’s been hard, too, because I really wanted to be a nurse and I’ve been planning and preparing to be a nurse for so long! I feel a little bit like failure. My whole family knows that I’ve trying to get my RN and they respected that, now to go back and tell them that I’ve quit after all this time just makes me feel like such a disappointment. I know it’s prideful of me, but I also miss how prestigious the title of RN is, I mean, when people asked me what I was studying and I said “nursing”, people were always impressed. I felt like I could “compete” I guess with Karl’s mechanical engineering when I was studying nursing, now I feel like I’ve dropped in value somewhat… I know it’s not true, and I’m getting over it (trying to swallow my pride here), but this has been my struggle. It’s also been hard to see several of my friends from high school getting their RNs in the past year or so, I’m really quite jealous! There have been so many feelings associated with this process; I don’t feel like I can even begin to explain it all…

Anyway, now I suppose it is time for a new plan. Part of me really wishes I could just give up on the whole school thing all together and be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of forever (I’m so baby hungry!), but I know that even if I don’t do school right now that’s not a viable option. I also really want to get a degree of some sort (this goes back to my fear of being a failure). So here is my new and revised plan: I’m going to get my associates degree this fall in community health with an emphasis in education, and then in two years I’ll have my bachelors degree (also in community health education). This last semester I took a bunch of classes for this new major and for the first time since I started college I got an A in every single class! I actually enjoyed school for the first time in a very, very long time! So I think this is a good thing for me. I’ve also been realizing in the past few months that nursing would have been a VERY difficult career for me. I am such a high stress person (thanks to my overactive nervous system)I’m afraid that nursing would have been too stressful considering that there are times when people’s lives would be in my hands. Also I don’t have the stamina to work long shifts, my legs and feet hurt so badly after just walking around the grocery store. I’m tired a lot which makes my brain foggy and I forget things a lot. Seeing as the nurse is the last line of defense for the patient, forgetting or not noticing things could be dangerous! I just wish I’d realized this all a lot earlier, I could be done with school by now!

Through this whole process I’ve been learning that I need to do what’s right for me, and it doesn’t matter what other people think. When I made the choice to go to UVU after having starting college at BYU my mom was very upset. I had worked very hard to get into BYU because that’s just what you do if you’re Mormon and intelligent. Everyone around here expects it. UVU has been kind of thought of as an “easy school” since it started as a junior college, but it actually is becoming a very good university, it just has a very old reputation to overcome. It was a very hard decision to leave BYU, but in the end it really wasn’t the place for me and I’m glad I did what I did. I still really miss BYU sometimes, but I’m where I need to be, and I can accept that.

Words

My words…

My beautiful words!

Where have they gone?

Simplicity and elegance, lost in the fog.

I am left tongue-tied and stuttering

to face the world alone.

Hmmmph...

I’m frustrated with a lot of things right now. I’m frustrated that Karl is gone so much with work and school, I feel like every time I walk in the door he’s walking out, and every time I’m walking out the door he’s walking in… Between my calling, school, and extra stuff, and his work, school and extra stuff, I feel like I only see him for the five minutes before he falls asleep every night. I really shouldn’t be so frustrated. I’ve had a lot more of my husband in the last year than most spouses get, but I’m just really not adjusting well to this change. I’m also frustrated with my body. I’m so frustrated that I don’t get a moment of peace! If I’m not feeling sick, then I’m in pain. If I’m not in pain, I’m exhausted beyond belief. My brain is all foggy which is making school difficult. I hardly ever feel like cooking or cleaning because I’m so tired and hurty. Something as simple as sitting through a movie can even be painful! I feel like I’m failing as a wife and even failing as a human being sometimes!! Sorry, I’m rambling… Just needed to get that out

My Smoke Detector is Alive!

So... the smoke detector in our guest bedroom is very persnickety. One day we left the window open in the room and closed the door and left it, a couple hours later the smoke detector started beeping like the battery was dying. So when we went into the room to close the window we said we'd change them eventually and went on our way... a little while later, the smoke detector stopped beeping... a few days later we left the window open over night; about 5:00 in the morning the smoke detector starts beeping again... we close the window, it stops beeping an hour later... At this point we decided that maybe the smoke detector doesn't like the cold, so we stopped leaving the window open. We thought we solved the problem, but we were wrong. We like to turn the heat down pretty far during the night when we can just use a bunch of blankets, so we can save money and what not. However, when the recent freezing cold spell hit, the smoke detector started going off again at 6:00!!!! Now that it's started snowing outside we have to leave the heater set fairly high or it starts beeping at us in the middle of the night!!!! Anyone else have smoke detectors that have opinions on the weather??