Fashion for the Chronically Pained

My fashion accessories for today:

And since I know everyone is dying to know just how I get my "look", I'll let you in on my secret.

First, I started with a pair of black leggings (leggings because they fit well under braces, and black because, well, they make the black braces slightly less noticeable?).

After that I threw a knee brace on each leg for a little stability and just to really make a statement (I believe the statement I was going for was something like "please, knees, stop giving out on me and let me get through today. Oh, and maybe don't slip out of place because I'm getting really tired of the nerve pain that comes along with that").

Anyway, I then completed this awesome ensemble with a pair of cute running shoes since, you know, cute flats are out unless they can accommodate orthotics (which they never can) and heels are totally and completely, just... NO. I made sure to get them in a trendy color so that I look like I'm fashionable and athletic and not so much like a crippled grandma.

So there you have it.

I know, you're jealous of my style. I can't help that my chronic illnesses make me so darn sexy :P

Valentine's Day 2016

What is a girl to do when February 14th just happens to be both the most romantic holiday of the year AND the day the Walking Dead mid-season premiere is on? Well, if you're AWESOME then you have a Walking Dead Valentine's Extravaganza!!! Or you know, like a Walking Dead themed date or something... haha.

I dug out Karl's old school backpack that has been sadly abandoned since May (ok, no one is really sad about that), and turned it into an Emergency Zombie Survival Kit! I stuck in some treats (er, "rations"), our Walking Dead TacDex game (two player zombie card game!), the two Nerf guns we already owned, PLUS I bought the Zombie Strike Nerf gun Karl's had his eye on, and some ammo, of course.

I left the backpack and this nifty "invite" where I knew Karl would find it when he got up from his Sunday afternoon nap (in front of his computer, haha), and I think he was pretty surprised :) 

Once the kiddos went down it was time to party!

Head-shots :)

That guy in the middle was tough to kill!

I had printed up some gross zombie pictures for target practice (did I mention we love to shoot Nerf guns, you know, just for fun?) and taped them to the wall with packing tape so the darts would stick. Then Karl picked out my "zombie apocalypse survivor" outfit and we had a lot of fun trying to decide if we would survive a horde of zombies with our Nerf skills :) 

I feel so scandalous!

We were going to play the TacDex game, but we ended up running out of time and just ended up watching the episode and eating treats instead. 

Overall, probably one of the most laid-back Valentine's dates we've ever done, but honestly, I think it was one of the best. Just fun, together, enjoying common interests, what could be better??

The "M" Word

Big step for me. I've finally given in and am trying... MEDICATION.

After a very rough year or so, and a lot of feeling like the worst mother in the world, I finally caved and talked to my doctor about the "M-word". I thought I was okay with this, I mean, I've always thought meds were a good thing if used correctly and if they are needed. I would never think any less of a person for taking meds for depression, in fact, I'm proud of of the people in my life who do what they need to do to take care of themselves and their mental and physical health.

However, it wasn't until I was holding the bottle in my hand, and saw the word "PROZAC" staring up at me, that I realized that belief does not extend to myself.

As I stood by the kitchen sink, trying to decide if I should take that first dose or not, I felt... like I was cheating. Like, maybe my problems weren't all that bad and I was just looking for a quick fix in a magic pill. I also felt like a failure, like I should have been able to fix this on my own with a handful of cashews, some vitamins, positive affirmations, meditation, and a few choice essential oils.

SOMETHING.

After all, there are about a bajillion pins on Pinterest instructing me on how to overcome my depression naturally. Oh, and all the quotes about how happiness is a choice, those too. I must not have been choosing hard enough. Or praying hard enough. Not TRYING hard enough.

I didn't realize until that moment what an enormous defeat it would feel like to take that little white pill.

But, I did it anyway.

After a few days, I noticed something: I felt so, oddly, quiet inside.

It's like, when you live with two really LOUD, rambunctious children and 80% of the time you don't get a moment of silence without someone screaming about "sharing" or singing "Let it GOOOOO" at the top of their lungs or begging for fruit snacks and more TV time... And then someone takes those children out of your house for a few hours and the sudden lack of noise is so... Obvious. You just listen to the silence because it is so novel.

I didn't realize how much constant emotional turmoil I was in until it was suddenly gone. The ever-present undercurrent of sorrow, hurt, guilt, anger, irritability, and despair had vanished.

The last few days I've been the mom I haven't been since Declan was born (my poor children!) I've been happy and productive, I've said "yes" more than "no". I've spent so much less time on my phone trying to escape and much more time playing games like I used to, before my brain broke again.

I never understood how people could CHOOSE to be happy, but now I feel as if I am in control of my emotions, rather than the other way around (as I have always felt). All my emotions are still there--I'm still tired and my kids can get on my nerves--but now I feel like I can "take a deep breath and count to 4" instead of losing my mind completely.

It hasn't been that long, and the pharmacist said it could take up to 4 weeks to feel the full effect, so maybe this is all just some crazy placebo effect, but for now, I'll take it.

I have had some side effects, so I don't know what my future relationship with this medication will be, but for the time being, the benefits definitely out weigh the bad stuff.

Here's to a better, brighter year, and a new, happier Momma!