Worries

I worry sometimes...

Ok, that's a lie, I worry ALL the time (thanks, Anxiety). Sometimes, however, the things I worry about are more justified than others. Today, I had a thought: I realized that I may have doomed my children to a horrible fate. I've thought about and "guilted" over it before, but today it really hit me so specifically that the guilt has gone to a whole new level.

See, my children each have a 50/50 chance of getting my health problems. I didn't know this when I was wishing, hoping, and praying for a baby that didn't seem like she'd ever come, and I still didn't know this when we decided to have a second little one join our family.

At the time I thought I was an anomaly. I thought my issues were mine alone; my fluky, messed up body was just a mistake. It wasn't until my second child was a few months old that I figured out what was wrong with me, and that it was a genetic condition.

Sure, there is definitely a chance that neither of them will get it, and if they did get it, this syndrome is so varying that their symptoms might be much milder than mine. On the other hand, they could be worse than I am, much, much worse :(

It's difficult to tell at this point, and so I worry.

I worry every time they wake crying in the night, thinking they might be in pain from a day of running and just being kids. I worry when my little guy gags and chokes when he eats and drinks, just like his mama. I worry when I watch my daughter walk and see her arches collapse as she over-pronates. "That's normal, they're healthy" the pediatrician tells me, and I try not to let my fears affect my little ones; it's just so hard knowing that my pediatrician said the same thing about me.

Anyway, today I was thinking, and dreaming about what my little man would end up doing with his life, and it struck me that I may have ruined him. He is so athletically inclined; at 18 months he already kicks a ball better than a lot of three year-olds I know. He loves balls of all kinds, he loves to kick and throw, and run and jump. It's fun to think of where he might go with his skills. That is, until the image pops up of a very short, painful athletic career, filled with injuries and frustrating limitations. What if I have stolen his dreams from him??

Obviously, I can't do anything about it now, so worrying and feeling guilty at this point is silly, but sometimes I just can't help it. I've never imagined a future for my babies in which they were anything but healthy and happy, and the thought of anything less is just crushing, especially knowing it would be my fault. The DNA I gave them, my egg, my genetics... Me.

Garg. Apparently I'm in a sulky mood this afternoon... I just wish I could see into the future and prepare for what lies ahead.

I hate not knowing.

 

 

 

 

Sleeping Beauty

My little sleeping beauty...

The past little while she's been asking me to hold her hand while she falls asleep, which I'm quite happy to do :) It means I get to see this beautiful little princess (superhero) face by the soft glow of her "monster-repelling" night-light. I sit next to her bed in the rocking chair sneaking glimpses of her intense little face and wondering what mysteries she's contemplating as she makes her way towards sleep.

That is, when she's not telling me EXACTLY what she's thinking ;)

I love it.

Mornings...

I am not a fan of waking up.

I have never been an early riser nor have I ever been a morning person.

One thing I haven't appreciated so much about motherhood is the lack of sleep! Late nights, night wakings/feedings, and then on top of it all they wake you up at the crack of dawn!! And if you know anything about me, you should know that I love my sleep.

But then...

There's this:

Waking up to these smiling faces (that are just so darn happy in the morning!!) is the one thing that could possibly make it all worth it :)

I always wanted to be a broadway singer...

 

Young Me, circa 1996!

I really wanted to be a Broadway singer from the time I was very young. 

My parents both loved musicals; I grew up with On My Own  and I Dreamed a Dream as lullabies, and "Show-tune Saturday Night" on the radio every weekend. I was obsessed with the Les Mis 10th anniversary concert (which we had on... VHS) and I'm pretty sure I had all the words to every song memorized WAY before I was old enough to comprehend what any of it meant (Lovely Ladies and Master of the House are TOTALLY appropriate for a 10 year old... right??)

Anyhow, I would practice and practice, belting my heart out to soundtracks I'd borrowed from the library when I thought (or just kinda hoped) no one could hear. I knew in my soul that this was my destiny (kinda like that girl from Glee). 

The only problem was, I am not, nor have I ever been, a fantastic singer.

Oh sure, I'll bet I'm not the WORST you've ever heard, I can kinda carry a tune sometimes, but I definitely am not broadway, or even high-school, musical material. And, after overhearing a couple of critical comments about my singing, the extraordinarily sensitive child that I was became completely unable to sing in front of people... and I'm not even talking about like on stage in front of a crowd, I mean, like in a car when everyone is singing a long to the radio.

I prayed so often that God would give me the voice I wanted. The voice I needed. A voice big enough to express the enormousness of the emotions that I couldn't seem to share with words. I knew that If I could just sing, I could get those feelings out, I could make people understand... I knew it, because every time I heard Lea Salonga sing A Little Fall of Rain, or Colm Wilkinson sing Bring Him Home, they could make me feel the emotions of the characters they portrayed. So I prayed, and prayed a lot... I also cried a lot, because that prayer was never answered.

God never sent me a beautiful voice.

Eventually, though, he sent me something else instead.

He sent me a baby.

I remember sitting in a rocking chair, trying to comfort my squirmy little newborn, doing whatever I could to finally get her to sleep. I sang to her, and I felt so incredibly self-conscious because I knew my hubby could possibly overhear me singing.

Over the months, and now years, since I've become a mother, I've sung a LOT of songs... and little by little, the anxiety and self-consciousness have faded to the point that I don't really care anymore if people hear my singing.

Do I always sing on key? No. Do I always hit the right notes? No. But it's ok.

Miss Evie, circa 2014 ;)

Tonight, as I was trying to get that now two year old little girl to sleep, I started singing her the songs that I've sung a million and a half times (ie. every night a bedtime). As soon as I opened my mouth, she started singing along too. She sang every word right with me as loudly as she could (probably trying to keep herself awake), with her cute little baby vibrato and so much enthusiasm. 

And I realized,

I may never be Eponine, or Maria, or Elphaba, or even that one girl from Glee, but my babies don't care. For now, at least, I am just as good as any professional singer, to them. They love my voice, just like I loved my own mommy's voice. It will soothe them when they are sad, comfort them when they are hurt, and that is more than enough.

And it always has been enough, I just never realized it. I don't care that it's not perfect, it is beautiful to the ones that are most important to me, and that is a gift I've come to appreciate so very much.

Baby Love

Poor Declan got abandoned in the bouncy chair while I attempted to get some dishes done--they were REALLY starting to pile up--and he was so incredibly upset and offended by it that daddy had to come rescue him ;)

Karl was walking him around in his signature "baby hold" and they were just staring at each other. I came by for a minute since they were being so cute and I hate missing stuff like that, lol.

As soon as Declan saw me, his eyes got big, he turned his little body towards me, and reached out with one shaky little arm, trying to grab me with his tiny hand. It wasn't quite as coordinated an effort as he would have liked, I'm sure, (it looked a lot like the attempts he makes at getting his fist in his mouth, lol) but he was trying! 

It really blows me away that at a month old, this tiny little person recognizes certain people and things. Even more so that with the small amount of control he has over his little body, he still used everything he had to reach out to me. He knows me, loves me, and needs me. Babies are amazing!

As challenging and even frustrating as it can be sometimes, I feel very blessed to be able to be a mother. It's an awesome experience!


 

One month old!!

My bitty-baby boy is one month old today! And what a long, sleep deprived month it's been...

Currently, the routine around here goes something like this:

Every time I finally get Declan to sleep during the day, put him down and try to get something done,  Evie has to immediately start smothering him with her "loving" (ie. kissing his hands, talking in a super high pitched voice, and trying to hug him by putting her entire body weight on him), this, of course, makes him cry every time, and I'm back to holding him and not getting anything done, then, about 8 o'clock, Evie goes down... but pops up 3 or 4 more times before I end up going to bed, and at least once after I fall asleep, on the other hand, Declan waits for me to get into my sleep cycle before he starts fussing inconsolably sometime around 4 am and his crying usually wakes Evie at about 7 am, and she comes in to my room and basically sits right in the way with her kindle games while I try to get Declan back to sleep, and she is perfectly content and absorbed by that activity until Declan FINALLY passes out after hours of fussing and squirming. 

And I think I'm going to doze for a bit. 

I am wrong. 

Just as I'm succumbing to the zombifying exhaustion, Evie decides she needs to love her brother, and the whole cycle starts over again...

Like I said, loooong month, lol, but I do so love my little sleep-thieves ;) I can't imagine my life without them. 

Rabilolees & Diddy-los

An outfit of her own creation ;)

Evie is pretty articulate for a kid her age. She can pronounce words like "yellow" and "snake" very clearly. She has a fairly large vocabulary that includes words like "comfortable" and "frustrated", and she uses 7-10, or more, word sentences regularly.

Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that she's the size of your average 18 month old, you might not believe she's just over 2. Then again, when in public, people tend ask if she's talking yet at all, seeing as she refuses to talk around people... lol. 

Anyway with being so grown up all ready, she doesn't have a lot of cute, funny baby words like a lot of kids (for example, "pisghetti" and that sort of thing), so that's why I have such a special place in m heart for "Rabilolees" and "Diddy-los"

Rabilolees, also known as "raviolis", are one of Evie's favorite things to eat (read: one of the only things she'll eat). She is such a picky eater! Her diet generally consists of quesadillas on corn tortillas, black beans & cheese, pizza/bread sticks, pasta with alfredo sauce, and ravioli's with red sauce :) I'm glad she likes them so much, because I love it every time I hear her say "rabilolees"!

Diddy-los are what she calls videos. She's been in a phase where she LOVES to watch youtube videos; most especially Frozen videos, but she also loves toddler videos like this one:

 I love my little goof-ball to death! I really wish she'd stop trying to grow up so quickly!! I guess I just have to enjoy the rabilolees and diddy-los while they last ;)

"Poor Sick Baby"

 

My poor "sick" child ;)

Evie has been "falling ill" all morning. 

It looks a little something like this: phase one: Evie "falls" (very gracefully) off of mommy's bed. She lies quietly on the floor for a few seconds for dramatic effect, then (in the most pathetic voice she can muster) says "Daaaddy, help-a-you" (a.k.a "help me"). phase two: daddy helps the poor child to sit back up on the bed and she says (still in her pathetic voice) "oh, sneezies!" and then proceeds to cough as if she is going to die. At this point we are supposed to say "oh no! are you getting sick, Evie??" Then she lies down on the bed and we have to tell her she needs medicine, soup, and lots of rest, all while putting a washcloth on her forehead and taking her temperature. She usually decides she's better at this point and runs off to play... Until she decides she's coming down with something again and we have to repeat the process.

I guess we haven't been giving her enough attention lately?

Dancing in the Rain

We had a HUGE rainstorm today! Like, pouring rain, flood causing, non-stop thunder and lighting, micro-burst winds, and power-outages kind of a storm! 

Evie and I had been waiting for Karl to get home from work, when I thought I heard it raining outside. I thought it might be kind of fun to go play in the rain for a bit, so Evie and I went out to take a look at things. To my surprise, things were kind of crazy out there! I managed to get Evie to come in for a bit, but she kept insisting on going back to play outside. Luckily, things weren't too bad when we went out, and they didn't get quite as scary at our house as they did in other parts of the valley, but I was still super nervous even being on our sheltered little doorstep! 

We got drenched and I had to keep bringing Evie inside, but once things calmed down, we had a ton of fun dancing and playing in the rain!

 

I've decided that being a kid in a rainstorm is one of the best things to be ;)

Dear Evie

Dear Evie,

I am grateful for your determination and energy. I love that you are so willing to work hard for the things that you want. I am also so, so grateful for your sense of joy and happiness, and for your smiles and giggles. You truly brighten our lives every day. Your daddy is the sun to my world, and you are my very first ray of sunshine. I love you to pieces!!

Love,

Mommy

Total Relaxation...

 Evie is so busy. She just goes, and goes, and goes, and GOES.  I always see pictures of other people's kids falling asleep in random places, but I have never had Evie just fall asleep like that because there is just too much she is determined to do!  No matter how tired she gets, she just keeps going!  That's why this picture is so unique and special to my heart ;)

We'd had a very busy day that started very early, Evie hadn't been able to take a nap, and she was EXHAUSTED.  Finally we were able to start her bedtime routine, which generally begins with a bath.  I got in the tub with her and she immediately crawled onto my lap and laid down in my arms... and fell asleep.  She was so completely and totally relaxed, which is not a state I see her in too often; I didn't want to move her because she looked so incredibly peaceful! 

 Just one of those sweet moments that makes the late nights and early mornings worth it; I really don't think there is anything better than a sleeping baby face!

The Joys of Sharing a Room with your Toddler

1:00 A.M.

Evie: Dad....

           Dad....

                Dad....

Karl: Evie.

Evie: Dad?

Karl: What?

Evie: ...Night night.

Tantrums...

And the toddler tantrums have begun!!  The last few days Evie has decided that it's not fair that I won't let her do what she wants, that I'm the meanest mom in the world, and that I'm totally ruining her life (am I really going to have to do this again in 12 years or so??).  She's only 11 months old and we're already doing the screaming fits... My child is just so advanced... *sigh*

This is a cute picture to remind me how sweet she can be, haha!

All this new independence she's gained by mastering the whole walking thing has really pushed us forward into a whole new stage of life, and I'm not sure that I'm happy about it!!  I know that this is totally developmentally normal, but I've got to say, I'm not really prepared for it.  I think I'm grieving a little bit; I'm just so sad that I've lost my sweet little baby who was completely dependent on me and trusted my every decision!  I feel like this year of baby-hood has gone by way too fast!

Wish me luck on as I embark on the next year (or two or three), I think I'm going to need it!!!!

Top 3 things I've learned to do in a hurry...

The top three things I've learned to do in record time since becoming a mother:

1. Eating

2. Bathing

3. Peeing

This list could actually be about a million times longer, but these are just my personal top 3, haha!

Seriously though... You know how girls are notorious for taking forever in the bathroom?  Well, a while back I was out having a "girl's day" with a couple of other moms while the hubbies had the kids.  Seeing as one of us mommies was pregnant, we made the inevitable stop at mall restrooms... and I was ASTOUNDED at how quickly we were all in and out.  It was crazy!  This may sound like an incredibly odd observation, but having made group excursions to the bathroom all my life, and yet never with my fellow moms, I didn't realize what a difference there is!

Also, I've always been a faster eater than Karl, but even now I can beat him to the end of the meal while feeding/holding a squirming, crawling, kicking baby... And I think that deserves a little respect!

I guess this is just another one of those talents born of necessity when a little-one comes along ;)

Silly Mommy...

Today, as I was driving home from work, I saw a house that had those fake spider webs all over it for Halloween, and I thought to myself "Oh, Evie wanted some of those for our house!"

And then I had to seriously think about that particular thought...  In doing so, I realized that there's no way my 10 month old could have had a conversation with me about Halloween decorations, lol!

Then I remembered that the other night I had a dream that Evie and I had been talking.  In my dream I asked her how we should decorate our house and she told me that she really liked those pretend cobwebs.  I thought that was cool and I asked if she liked the idea of hanging them on our living room decorations... and she told me she thought that was silly and she didn't think it would look that good.

And that was that.

Apparently, subconsciously, I really took that conversation to heart!  Karl thinks Evie must be psychically communicating with me in my sleep, haha!!

Changes...

Just for fun...

Me, August 2011

Me, August 2012

I can't believe how quickly and dramatically things have changed!  So crazy!!  And all I can say is, I love my life ;)

Back to Business

After about five months of being home and giving Evie my complete and undivided attention, it's time for me to go back to work (ish)!

Today I started my internship with Welcome Baby (an awesome program through UnitedWay), which I'm super excited about, but having to leave my baby (who still wants to eat every 2 hrs) everyday is definitely nerve-wracking!!  I was nervous this morning, but I ended up coming home to a super happy baby who really enjoyed her morning with daddy :)  That was a little surprising.  I was really expecting a baby who desperately wanted to eat, and needed her mommy, but when I walked in she just looked at me, got a huge grin on her face and went right back to playing. lol.

Something else that kind of surprised me was how much I enjoyed being away from her.

Don't get me wrong, I love her, I love being a mom, and I did miss her, but it was so incredibly nice to just be me again!  I'm no longer a "me"; motherhood has totally and completely transformed me into a constant "we".  I sometimes feel like I'm nothing more than Evie's porter, chair, bed, entertainment center, jungle gym, pacifier, security blanket, and food supply. 

While I was gone I didn't have much of a chance to think about her, and knowing she was at home in good hands left me free to get back to being a real person again!  It was kind of amazing.  I seriously recommend new mommies (or any mommy) get some time out of the house to just do the normal stuff they used to do!  Even if it's just an hour a week to take a community class, or work out, or something, it's so good to have a tiny part of your life that's not totally centered on that little one.

I am still kind of nervous since I'll be leaving her for a few hours a day, and I can't wait to get back to her full time, but I think this is really going to be a good experience for all of us :)