Big step for me. I've finally given in and am trying... MEDICATION.
After a very rough year or so, and a lot of feeling like the worst mother in the world, I finally caved and talked to my doctor about the "M-word". I thought I was okay with this, I mean, I've always thought meds were a good thing if used correctly and if they are needed. I would never think any less of a person for taking meds for depression, in fact, I'm proud of of the people in my life who do what they need to do to take care of themselves and their mental and physical health.
However, it wasn't until I was holding the bottle in my hand, and saw the word "PROZAC" staring up at me, that I realized that belief does not extend to myself.
As I stood by the kitchen sink, trying to decide if I should take that first dose or not, I felt... like I was cheating. Like, maybe my problems weren't all that bad and I was just looking for a quick fix in a magic pill. I also felt like a failure, like I should have been able to fix this on my own with a handful of cashews, some vitamins, positive affirmations, meditation, and a few choice essential oils.
SOMETHING.
After all, there are about a bajillion pins on Pinterest instructing me on how to overcome my depression naturally. Oh, and all the quotes about how happiness is a choice, those too. I must not have been choosing hard enough. Or praying hard enough. Not TRYING hard enough.
I didn't realize until that moment what an enormous defeat it would feel like to take that little white pill.
But, I did it anyway.
After a few days, I noticed something: I felt so, oddly, quiet inside.
It's like, when you live with two really LOUD, rambunctious children and 80% of the time you don't get a moment of silence without someone screaming about "sharing" or singing "Let it GOOOOO" at the top of their lungs or begging for fruit snacks and more TV time... And then someone takes those children out of your house for a few hours and the sudden lack of noise is so... Obvious. You just listen to the silence because it is so novel.
I didn't realize how much constant emotional turmoil I was in until it was suddenly gone. The ever-present undercurrent of sorrow, hurt, guilt, anger, irritability, and despair had vanished.
The last few days I've been the mom I haven't been since Declan was born (my poor children!) I've been happy and productive, I've said "yes" more than "no". I've spent so much less time on my phone trying to escape and much more time playing games like I used to, before my brain broke again.
I never understood how people could CHOOSE to be happy, but now I feel as if I am in control of my emotions, rather than the other way around (as I have always felt). All my emotions are still there--I'm still tired and my kids can get on my nerves--but now I feel like I can "take a deep breath and count to 4" instead of losing my mind completely.
It hasn't been that long, and the pharmacist said it could take up to 4 weeks to feel the full effect, so maybe this is all just some crazy placebo effect, but for now, I'll take it.
I have had some side effects, so I don't know what my future relationship with this medication will be, but for the time being, the benefits definitely out weigh the bad stuff.
Here's to a better, brighter year, and a new, happier Momma!
