Thursday, December 31, 2015

Good-bye, 2015

2015... If I could describe you in one word, it would be "struggle"--which sounds terribly depressing (and a good bit of it was) but with struggle always comes learning and self-revelation. Both of those things are very good and productive, I'd say.

I've struggled this year, mentally, with so many issues that have plagued me for much of my life: anxiety, panic, depression, anger; emotions that often threaten to consume me and take those closest to me as collateral damage. Physically I've grappled with the same old limitations and flaws while my body and mind were challenged by new and ever more difficult challenges. I've struggled with my faith, feeling it being tested, knowing that I need to hang on with increased tenacity, and yet many times being completely unable to summon the energy or motivation to keep fighting for it, or anything else for that matter.

This year I've wrestled with inner demons and outside triggers.

Karl graduated this year and started to work full-time as a real employee of a real company (with benefits!) We are now technically "middle-class" and our living situation is quite comfortable. My children are beautiful, smart, amazing, and I love them very much. My marriage is good. We both have our flaws and our own challenges that test us and our relationship, but he is a good, hard-working man, and we try our best. We have clung together through every issue that has faced us. We love each other despite anything and everything that has tested us.

I thought for sure this was the point in my life I was waiting for, the moment I could stop struggling and finally LIVE and be happy. But that never happened.

I still feel as though I'm constantly treading water, barely able to keep my head above the surface.

My life is good! So why am I not?

This year I gained 20 lbs. I've become more addicted to escaping into my smart phone than ever before--a fact that pains me to no end, but I still feel powerless to stop it. I'm exhausted and my body seems to love to throw one thing after another at me. If it's not POTS, it's pain, if not pain then anxiety, if not anxiety, then stomach issues... I always think that if I could just get through whatever "flare" is laying me out today, I'll get a break and can get back on top of things--but the break never comes.

So, one of my revelations that I've come to this year (if you were wondering where on earth this was all going) is that I have a physical disability and a mental illness.

Ugh. I cringe just writing that. Those terms just seem so... terrible. And seriously, could I possibly any more dramatic??? But, I've realized it's true. It is my truth and I need to accept it and claim it. That's really the only way I can stop making excuses and start making accommodations. To equip myself with the tools I need to live my life.

It seems a little silly, I mean, of course I've always known that these issues were a problem, but I've tried so hard to be "normal", to not appear different or weak. 2016 is the year I finally come out of the "normal/healthy-person closet" and admit and accept what I truly am: imperfection.

From my DNA to my mind, and everything in between, I AM IMPERFECT, just like everyone else... which seems to be the hardest part to accept. I need help. I don't need a mask of ability and normalcy to hide behind. I am me, I struggle, I am imperfect, and from now on, that's okay.

This next year is going to be better than my last year (sorry, 2015), because I've learned a lot. I am positive I will still struggle, but I have come so far (and struggled for so long), I can be better. This year I will be a better wife, mother, and person. NOT perfect--as I've always aimed for--but better.


And that is okay.


So, 2015, thank you for the blessings and moments of happiness (I must acknowledge that those were there too). I really have been thoroughly blessed by my family (big and small), with Karl's job situation, with friends and support, and so many other things. I can see the good, even when I have a hard time feeling it.

However, thank you especially for the struggles. Without them I wouldn't be seeing the glimmer of light at the end of my longest, darkest tunnel.

Even if it is just a glimmer.

Good-bye, 2015.

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