I left Relief Society on the verge of tears today...
After our practice song I just couldn't stand sitting there for one more minute, so I walked out to my car (trying not to run into anyone on my way out), and I just sat there fighting back tears and watching the raindrops slide down the glass....
I felt so incredibly lost and alone.
We moved into this ward three months ago, and our first Sunday here I realized it's HUGE. Seriously, like Sunday school is split into two giant rooms, and it's still packed. I admit, I have a lot of issues with social anxiety and going to a new ward in general is tough for me, but this ward is a challenge all its own.
After three years in our last ward, I was finally feeling like there were a few people I knew and who even cared that I existed, and now, I know almost no one. In my last ward I was finally starting to get a feel for who was who and who lived where, but in this ward, I feel like it's impossible to ever figure out, let alone get to know, even half the members. I do love my dear next door neighbor, Julie, but she leaves after sacrament meeting every week because of her arthritis. I've never really met the relief society presidency, I know Julie emailed them about us moving in and needing help, but we never heard anything back. I've been having a hard time with life and I don't have any visiting teachers that I know of, and I just feel so alone and forgotten by the world.
Anyway, enough back story, there I was sitting in Relief Society all by myself, and there were people (SO many people) sitting all around me and all talking to each other in these chatty little groups to the point that it was difficult for the sister conducting to start the meeting. Then a couple of sisters got up and distributed some hymn books, offering them to people around me, but I didn't get one... and the women near me didn't offer to share. I knew the first verse of "The Day Dawn is Breaking", but by the second verse, I was at loss half the time.
I felt hopelessly alone in the middle of a sea of people... and that's when it all just fell apart. I could feel the tears coming. I tried to stop them, because it was stupid to cry over something so silly, but they just kept coming despite my best efforts.
And writing it down, it really does seem so silly... I absolutely know it's silly to feel hurt, or overwhelmed, or stressed by such a normal situation. No one had done anything to hurt me or offend me. Nothing was really wrong; I should have been fine.
But I wasn't. I didn't feel fine. And I think that's part of the reason I fell apart.
I hate that I can't deal with these situations like a normal person. When I was younger I had this idea that being a grown up, getting married, becoming a mom, etc. would somehow, magically make me able to deal with these social situations. At the very LEAST I had hoped that I'd grow out of it, or gain enough experience to be able to deal with it. But no, here I am at 26 years old, with two children who need me to take them to church every week so that they can be a part of the gospel, and I am still freaking out over such simple human interactions.
I desperately want friends, but I am terrified of the small talk that it takes to make them. I know, the answer is just "put yourself out there, sit down next to someone else and strike up a conversation, bring cookies to your neighbors, join a book club..." Which would work wonders, I'm sure, were I an extrovert with out anxiety problems.
I will figure it all out in the end, I'm sure, but for right now, I just want to have it recorded that this day happened.
This is not a sympathy post or a complaint post. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. This is also not an inspirational post where I tell you the uplifting, spiritual experience I had to get me through this. I'm not there yet, and I think that's ok.
What this post IS, is just me telling you that this happened. This is how I felt today.
There are cute pictures of my kids and funny quotes that I'll probably be putting on Facebook later, and that's all you'll see and you'll assume you know how my life is going from what pops up in your newsfeed. But, this day happened and I want it to be known.
#Honesty
After our practice song I just couldn't stand sitting there for one more minute, so I walked out to my car (trying not to run into anyone on my way out), and I just sat there fighting back tears and watching the raindrops slide down the glass....
I felt so incredibly lost and alone.
We moved into this ward three months ago, and our first Sunday here I realized it's HUGE. Seriously, like Sunday school is split into two giant rooms, and it's still packed. I admit, I have a lot of issues with social anxiety and going to a new ward in general is tough for me, but this ward is a challenge all its own.
After three years in our last ward, I was finally feeling like there were a few people I knew and who even cared that I existed, and now, I know almost no one. In my last ward I was finally starting to get a feel for who was who and who lived where, but in this ward, I feel like it's impossible to ever figure out, let alone get to know, even half the members. I do love my dear next door neighbor, Julie, but she leaves after sacrament meeting every week because of her arthritis. I've never really met the relief society presidency, I know Julie emailed them about us moving in and needing help, but we never heard anything back. I've been having a hard time with life and I don't have any visiting teachers that I know of, and I just feel so alone and forgotten by the world.
Anyway, enough back story, there I was sitting in Relief Society all by myself, and there were people (SO many people) sitting all around me and all talking to each other in these chatty little groups to the point that it was difficult for the sister conducting to start the meeting. Then a couple of sisters got up and distributed some hymn books, offering them to people around me, but I didn't get one... and the women near me didn't offer to share. I knew the first verse of "The Day Dawn is Breaking", but by the second verse, I was at loss half the time.
I felt hopelessly alone in the middle of a sea of people... and that's when it all just fell apart. I could feel the tears coming. I tried to stop them, because it was stupid to cry over something so silly, but they just kept coming despite my best efforts.
And writing it down, it really does seem so silly... I absolutely know it's silly to feel hurt, or overwhelmed, or stressed by such a normal situation. No one had done anything to hurt me or offend me. Nothing was really wrong; I should have been fine.
But I wasn't. I didn't feel fine. And I think that's part of the reason I fell apart.
I hate that I can't deal with these situations like a normal person. When I was younger I had this idea that being a grown up, getting married, becoming a mom, etc. would somehow, magically make me able to deal with these social situations. At the very LEAST I had hoped that I'd grow out of it, or gain enough experience to be able to deal with it. But no, here I am at 26 years old, with two children who need me to take them to church every week so that they can be a part of the gospel, and I am still freaking out over such simple human interactions.
I desperately want friends, but I am terrified of the small talk that it takes to make them. I know, the answer is just "put yourself out there, sit down next to someone else and strike up a conversation, bring cookies to your neighbors, join a book club..." Which would work wonders, I'm sure, were I an extrovert with out anxiety problems.
I will figure it all out in the end, I'm sure, but for right now, I just want to have it recorded that this day happened.
This is not a sympathy post or a complaint post. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. This is also not an inspirational post where I tell you the uplifting, spiritual experience I had to get me through this. I'm not there yet, and I think that's ok.
What this post IS, is just me telling you that this happened. This is how I felt today.
There are cute pictures of my kids and funny quotes that I'll probably be putting on Facebook later, and that's all you'll see and you'll assume you know how my life is going from what pops up in your newsfeed. But, this day happened and I want it to be known.
#Honesty
:( I'm so sorry dear. I truly hope it gets better and someone reaches out to you so you don't have to uncomfortably reach out to them.
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