The Parable of the Mountain Bike...

So, I haven’t been on a bike of any sort in many, many years. I believe the last time I had such an experience was with an ill-fitting bike my dad had fixed up out of our garage. I rode to the park, around the track, and back home. My Ischial tuberosities (“butt bones” in layman’s terms) were so bruised and sore for days after that I swore then and there never to get on another bike again. 

Now here I am.

Believe it or not, I, Socorro Smith, have just completed my first mountain biking experience. Crazy, I know, but it’s true! So, this isn’t really a parable, but I had some thoughts as I was hurtling down rocky hills at speeds I was very uncomfortable with, and thought I ought to share :) I will admit I was very anxious about this trip down to Moab, and frankly, I was looking for any reasonable excuse to get out of it. Unfortunately, I love my hubby too much and I didn’t want to disappoint him or be separated from him for four days. So I went, determined to try it out and to try to have the best experience possible. 

When we got to Moab one of the first things we did after setting up camp was pick up the bikes from the rental place and give them a test drive around the parking lot. I realized at this point that my fear of heights includes being a couple feet off the ground and moving any faster than walking speed. I also realized how very out of practice I was with the whole “bike thing”. I was told that we would start with an “easy” trail, but when I considered the fact that I felt so shaky riding in the parking lot, it wasn’t much comfort. 

The next morning (7 a.m.-ish) we arrived at the top of the "mountain" we were to bike down.  I strapped on my helmet, jumped on my bike, and off we went.

As the trail started slope more and more and began to get more and more rocky, I got more and more tense.  For the first hour or so the trail was fairly regular except for these little fist-sized rocks that were strewn all over the path.  From my limited (and painful) experience with my bike as a child, I knew that if I hit one of those little rocks my bike would go skidding out of control and I'd fall and get hurt.  So I spent the first hour or so with my eyes focused on the path directly in front of me, watching for those little rocks and trying desperately to avoid them.  Eventually the path was so rock filled that I couldn't avoid hitting them anymore.  And I didn't fall.  I realized at that point that I was riding on a very nice mountain bike with some awesome suspension that was built to handle those rocks (yes, that IS why it's called a mountain bike), and not the kind of cheap-o kid's bike that falls over when you try and get up on to the curb.  With this reassurance I started looking around and realized that for that hour of focusing on the path, I'd been missing all the wildflowers along the path and the amazing scenery that Southern Utah has to offer.  I started to enjoy myself a little more at this point and take in everything I'd been missing out on.

It was a short lived relief, however, because at this point the big rocks started coming at me.  The path itself began transforming from a dirt road with some little rocks on it, into a road made up almost entirely of big lumpy rocks.  It was a very bumpy ride.  I was afraid (once again) that I would fall down if went very quickly over these big rocks on this slopping trail, and at times I felt as if I would fly straight over my handle bars. So I slowed down and kept squeezing my breaks to the point that my wrists and my hands were cramping and getting tired.  I finally just had to let go a little bit and go faster than I was comfortable.  Guess what, once again, I didn't fall.  I had to pay more attention and work to control my bike, and it was a little stressful, but also a little exhilarating to go down those rocks on my bike that was built to handle them.  

I did eventually fall down on this particular trail, but it wasn't exactly where I expected.  I was getting pretty confident and going pretty quickly over the bumps and jumps in the trail when I got to the steepest hill I'd come to yet.  I started down the hill and realized a little too late that I should have slowed down more before I got there.  The trail down the hill looked smooth enough, with just a few big rocks scattered through out the trail, but as I tried to break and slow myself down I realized there was an element I hadn't considered.  The patches on the hill that looked smooth were actually deep patches of loose sand.  As I tried to break, my bike hit the sand and my bike wobbled and I went tumbling over and had to jump off my bike.  I fell on some of the rocks in the path and bruised  my hip and legs, and then my bike fell on top of me and cut up my poor legs.

Luckily, at this point I was getting over my fears enough that the fall didn't totally put me off biking, but the next hill almost did.  The last test of my poor struggling will was the last couple of miles of trail.  I was getting tired, so even just riding along the level portions of trail was getting to be too much for me to handle, but the trail seemed to be sloping up more and more often.  Eventually the trail was mostly just hills going up and up and up.  I had to get off my bike and rest every few minutes because my legs and lungs were threatening to revolt. Luckily my dearest Karl was willing to walk with me when I couldn't make it up the hills, and rest with me when I couldn't walk any farther.  After another two miles or so of this (and of thinking I was just going to fall down and die) we eventually made it back the parking lot where we left the cars.

So, the moral of this story...

1. In life (as in mountain biking)  I tend to stress over little problems and focus so much on the little day-to-day things that I miss the "wildflowers" in my life that I'm passing by.  I had a lot of painful experiences in my past and I've let them make me overly cautious and overly prepared for things that most of the time never even end up happening. I am built to handle the little things, and I am much more capable of handling problems now than I was when I was younger.  Caution is good, but I can't let fear control my life.

2. Big problems and major changes in life are stressful and always will be, but they can also be exciting and exhilarating if I can let myself  "go with the flow" more and not try to control everything so tightly (I definitely have some control issues).

3. The times I need to be most cautious are the times when everything in my life looks "smooth".  I tend to get complacent when things seem to be easy, and that's when I'm most likely to"fall down and get hurt".

4. Sometimes it's ok to walk, and sometimes it's ok to take a rest. I know that I will always have my dearest companion right by my side.  I know he's willing to stick with me for better or worse and that he will be right there beside me no matter what.  I love him so much I can't even begin to express the way I feel about him.  I'm so incredibly grateful that I found him and that he chose me.

5.  I still hate bikes.

Decisions, decisions, decisions…

You know, I thought that by this point in my life things would be a little bit more concrete and I’d know where I was going... Haha, how silly of me! You know, in high school my counselors AND my parents AND my teachers were always bugging me about what I wanted to do when I “grew up”. I went to career fairs and took classes and workshops to help me decide what I wanted to do, and I decided; I wanted to be a nurse. I took medical anatomy and physiology my junior year of high school, and I loved it! I love to help people and I’m very interested in health care. I spent a lot of time in a doctor’s office as a child and so I saw a lot of nurses, and I decided that this was what I wanted to do. So I’ve spent the last four-ish years struggling towards my dream career. My whole entire college career has been one of extreme stress and anxiety as I’ve taken some of the hardest classes at the university, knowing that I HAD to get extremely good grades in order to even be competitive in my application to the program. I’ve taken chemistry four times now, a subject that I ABSOLUTELY abhor. I mean, classes like microbiology and anatomy were hard, but at least I enjoyed the subject, chemistry has no redeeming qualities in my eyes. Anyway, after fall semester this last year (I took micro, chem, and math 1050!) I was burnt out from all the stress and felt like I was STILL a million miles away from getting into the program, so I quit. I’ve given up on nursing, which actually was a hard decision to make, and I’m still having second thoughts. I mean, while everyone else was struggling to figure out what they were doing with life, I had a plan, and for the past five years I’ve had that goal to guide me. Then suddenly I had no direction! It’s been hard, too, because I really wanted to be a nurse and I’ve been planning and preparing to be a nurse for so long! I feel a little bit like failure. My whole family knows that I’ve trying to get my RN and they respected that, now to go back and tell them that I’ve quit after all this time just makes me feel like such a disappointment. I know it’s prideful of me, but I also miss how prestigious the title of RN is, I mean, when people asked me what I was studying and I said “nursing”, people were always impressed. I felt like I could “compete” I guess with Karl’s mechanical engineering when I was studying nursing, now I feel like I’ve dropped in value somewhat… I know it’s not true, and I’m getting over it (trying to swallow my pride here), but this has been my struggle. It’s also been hard to see several of my friends from high school getting their RNs in the past year or so, I’m really quite jealous! There have been so many feelings associated with this process; I don’t feel like I can even begin to explain it all…

Anyway, now I suppose it is time for a new plan. Part of me really wishes I could just give up on the whole school thing all together and be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of forever (I’m so baby hungry!), but I know that even if I don’t do school right now that’s not a viable option. I also really want to get a degree of some sort (this goes back to my fear of being a failure). So here is my new and revised plan: I’m going to get my associates degree this fall in community health with an emphasis in education, and then in two years I’ll have my bachelors degree (also in community health education). This last semester I took a bunch of classes for this new major and for the first time since I started college I got an A in every single class! I actually enjoyed school for the first time in a very, very long time! So I think this is a good thing for me. I’ve also been realizing in the past few months that nursing would have been a VERY difficult career for me. I am such a high stress person (thanks to my overactive nervous system)I’m afraid that nursing would have been too stressful considering that there are times when people’s lives would be in my hands. Also I don’t have the stamina to work long shifts, my legs and feet hurt so badly after just walking around the grocery store. I’m tired a lot which makes my brain foggy and I forget things a lot. Seeing as the nurse is the last line of defense for the patient, forgetting or not noticing things could be dangerous! I just wish I’d realized this all a lot earlier, I could be done with school by now!

Through this whole process I’ve been learning that I need to do what’s right for me, and it doesn’t matter what other people think. When I made the choice to go to UVU after having starting college at BYU my mom was very upset. I had worked very hard to get into BYU because that’s just what you do if you’re Mormon and intelligent. Everyone around here expects it. UVU has been kind of thought of as an “easy school” since it started as a junior college, but it actually is becoming a very good university, it just has a very old reputation to overcome. It was a very hard decision to leave BYU, but in the end it really wasn’t the place for me and I’m glad I did what I did. I still really miss BYU sometimes, but I’m where I need to be, and I can accept that.

Words

My words…

My beautiful words!

Where have they gone?

Simplicity and elegance, lost in the fog.

I am left tongue-tied and stuttering

to face the world alone.

Hmmmph...

I’m frustrated with a lot of things right now. I’m frustrated that Karl is gone so much with work and school, I feel like every time I walk in the door he’s walking out, and every time I’m walking out the door he’s walking in… Between my calling, school, and extra stuff, and his work, school and extra stuff, I feel like I only see him for the five minutes before he falls asleep every night. I really shouldn’t be so frustrated. I’ve had a lot more of my husband in the last year than most spouses get, but I’m just really not adjusting well to this change. I’m also frustrated with my body. I’m so frustrated that I don’t get a moment of peace! If I’m not feeling sick, then I’m in pain. If I’m not in pain, I’m exhausted beyond belief. My brain is all foggy which is making school difficult. I hardly ever feel like cooking or cleaning because I’m so tired and hurty. Something as simple as sitting through a movie can even be painful! I feel like I’m failing as a wife and even failing as a human being sometimes!! Sorry, I’m rambling… Just needed to get that out

My Smoke Detector is Alive!

So... the smoke detector in our guest bedroom is very persnickety. One day we left the window open in the room and closed the door and left it, a couple hours later the smoke detector started beeping like the battery was dying. So when we went into the room to close the window we said we'd change them eventually and went on our way... a little while later, the smoke detector stopped beeping... a few days later we left the window open over night; about 5:00 in the morning the smoke detector starts beeping again... we close the window, it stops beeping an hour later... At this point we decided that maybe the smoke detector doesn't like the cold, so we stopped leaving the window open. We thought we solved the problem, but we were wrong. We like to turn the heat down pretty far during the night when we can just use a bunch of blankets, so we can save money and what not. However, when the recent freezing cold spell hit, the smoke detector started going off again at 6:00!!!! Now that it's started snowing outside we have to leave the heater set fairly high or it starts beeping at us in the middle of the night!!!! Anyone else have smoke detectors that have opinions on the weather??

Stress!!

 I’m not the most laid back person in the world…. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was born with mild chronic stress/anxiety.  Half the health related issues I have probably are at least partly caused or aggravated by my constant state of stress!  Did you know that stress can actually cause physical symptoms?  Stress isn’t just in your head; it actually has a physical effect on your body! It can cause everything from backaches and headaches to insomnia and digestive problems.  Chronic stress can even cause ulcers and heart disease!   I didn’t even really comprehend how stressed I was until half way through my high school career, and even then I had no idea what to do about it!  I’ve struggled so much with trying to find some peace in my life, and I’m still not quite there yet, but I’m trying my hardest to figure things out!  

For Christmas one year my mom gave me a book called “Be Still” by Victoria Anderson and Lois D. Brown.  It’s a really good book that talks a lot about ways to cope with, and even overcome stress and anxiety.  I, of course, put off reading this book for a year or so, and even then just glanced through it with mild interest.  It wasn’t until I was married, in college, and having issues with depression, that I really decided to sit down and read the book.  It was really a surprise to me how many of the things I was experiencing were directly related to my stress levels!   I didn’t realize that my crazy eating habits (i.e. going seven hours on just a granola bar) were having such a big impact on my mood, my stress levels, and even on my relationship with my husband!  I’ve found that just by making sure that I’m eating on a regular basis (and ideally eating good food) that I can manage my moods so much better, and I’m less likely to feel utterly overwhelmed by the world! 

For the last few years I’ve been having trouble sleeping.  I’d get into bed at 11:00 and sit there in the dark for HOURS as my mind just kept going and going and going… it was awful!  I’d be up until three or four in the morning every night, and then I’d be stressed out and grumpy the next day because I wasn’t getting enough sleep because I was stressed!  I tried taking sleeping pills (for the sake of my husband’s sanity), but when I did I’d either be asleep for the next 20 hours, or they just wouldn’t work, or if they did work my insomnia would come back the minute I stopped taking them.  So I decided that really wasn’t the way to go.  After reading my stress book, I decided that maybe I needed to try some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, visualizations, etc.) before I went to bed.  So I tried it, and it didn’t really work.  I still couldn’t focus my mind and I still couldn’t sleep.  Luckily I had some divine inspiration to get online and look up “free relaxation visualization downloads”.  I found a couple of really good relaxation visualizations in mp3 form on InnerHealthStudios.com.  I know it sounds a little dumb, but my favorite is the "self-esteem relaxation" track, because the little affirmations give my brains something to focus on that doesn't inspire stressful thoughts. I listen to one every night and I'm asleep before the track ends!  My only problem now is the fact that my mp3 player is always dead in the morning and I'm afraid I may strangle my self in my sleep with the earphones!!

I'm still stressed, but now I know that I can do something about.  I'm really looking forward to the day when I can handle life with out having my jaw clenched!

Meal plans/how to make “The Perfect Baked Potato”

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So, my current goal is to come up with a weekly meal plan.  I’m REALLY hoping that this will help me out with some of my reluctance to cook dinner!  I feel like there are just some days when I don’t feel like cooking, and then I use the excuse that I have no idea what to cook, and procrastinate until nine o’ clock at night and we end up eating corn dogs out of the freezer.  If I have my meals set, then I don’t even have to think about it! Well, ok, knowing me I’ll have to spend an entire three minutes remembering what day it is in the first place, but that’s much better than what I’ve been doing!  So, my idea is this, I’m making a list of every meal I can possibly think of to make (and that I know my DH will eat after I get it made!) and then taking into account things like which days I have class until late in the evening, or days when I don’t have many classes and will be able to put more time into the preparation.  Then I’ll assign meals to days accordingly.  With a little help from my dearest Mr. Smith, I hope this will be a success!

The first time I considered this plan I got really excited, and then realized that I was having a VERY hard time coming up with seven different dinner ideas.  I finally figured something out and put my now half-hearted plan into action.  Baked potatoes from the microwave were the last meal I finally eked out of my head and the day to make them rolled around.  I made the potatoes, made my DH eat them, they weren’t very good, and he told me that he didn’t really want to eat baked potatoes ever again.  I was devastated.   My seventh meal had just been vetoed and I didn’t know what to do.  So I quit, as I am so apt to do when my plans fail.  However, after a period of grieving I’m back in the saddle and with a little research and experimentation, I have come up with a solution to my problems!  It is my version of “The Perfect Baked Potato”!  Baked potatoes are now DH’s favorite meal!  So here’s how I made my poor potatoes edible (warning, this is not an extra healthy low fat/no calorie method of baking a potato!): 

1.       Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

2.       Wash your potatoes and get all that yucky dirt off/cut any bad spots off the potatoes.

3.       With a fork, stab each potato 4 times down the length of the potato on each side (so 8 stabs all together).

4.       Rub the skin of each potato with olive oil.

5.       Sprinkle a little bit of salt onto the potato and distributed it evenly over all the entire skin.  You don’t need too much, just enough to give the skin a little flavor :)

6.       Sprinkle a couple of dashes of garlic powder onto the skin and rub all over.

7.       Put the potatoes directly on to a cookie sheet and cook for 45 minutes.

8.       When the potatoes are done they should be tender when you stick a fork in them.  Now you’re ready to eat them!  Throw on all your favorite baked potato toppings (cheese, sour cream, tomatoes, peas, bacon, ranch dressing, onions, or even just salt and pepper!) and enjoy!

So it begins...

As of August 4th 2008, I am the newest Mrs. Smith in a long line of exceptionally wonderful wives by that title.  Grandma Smith is an amazing woman.  She is the kindest, most caring person I have ever met.  She takes care of everyone and everything without skipping a beat.  She is one of my role models!  My mother-in-law is also an awesome wife and mother.  With a five-year-old, 14 year-old, and an 18 year-old still at home her house is always comfortable and clean and her household is always cared for.  One of my deepest desires I’ve clung to since my wedding day is to be an amazing wife!  I want to be organized, I want to be a good cook, I want to be able to care for my house and keep it clean and beautiful, and I want to be a happy, caring wife, who is a constant support to my husband. 

Well, the wedding and I guess even the honeymoon are officially over; we’ve been married for a year (and three months tomorrow!) and in that time I’ve made a few discoveries about myself.  I am not a naturally organized person.  I am creative, I love to dance, I love to read, and I love beautiful things…  But I tend to be a little side tracked and kind of a big procrastinator.  I don’t know much more than the basics of cooking, and to tell the truth, I don’t really like cooking!  In my younger years I was so busy going to dance practices, rehearsals, performances, classes, and doing hours and hours of homework , that helping with the cooking was not really something I did on a regular basis, unless it was something easy (excuses, excuses… I know ;) ).  In the last year, cooking meals has been kind of a stressor in my marriage; I hate having to come up with meals every night!  I don’t know a lot of tricks and techniques when it comes to cleaning either.  I know that you use some kind of cleaner and wipe things off, but I’ve been discovering that there are so many little things that I just didn’t know!  Then, of course, there is the relationship category.  I thought I had a perfect relationship with my hubby while we were dating, and I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about him and the way he thought.  I was wrong!  I have found so many things that I need to work on to make my marriage work well.  We have a good relationship, and we’re both trying, but we’re not perfect, and marriage takes work!

So, as I’ve been trying to figure this whole wife thing out, I’ve learned a lot, and I’m still learning so much everyday!  I guess a lot of the things I’ve learned may be old news to a lot of people, but I’m still dead set and determined to share what I’ve come up with, even if it’s just for my own sake ;)