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My women's health teacher read us this story in class today and I thought it was funny, so I decided to share :D
The Story of Roger and Elaine
By Dave Barry
Let's
say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights
later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And
then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?''
And
then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I
said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe
he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he
doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And
Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And
Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car
at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I
am way overdue for an oil change here.
And
Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And
Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting
right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this
time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting
like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.
And
Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And
Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight
to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a
perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do
care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is
in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And
Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their.... .
"'Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
''What?'' says Roger, startled
''Please
don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....''
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm
such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There
is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he
thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine
turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become
very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a
horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then
he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place,
he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes
deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car. But he is pretty sure there is
no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if
he doesn't think about it.
The
next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In
painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite
conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile,
Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his
and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
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